1.
It's a funny old world - Photos
2. Simple humour
3. Filling up and going to work
4. 'Chocks away' (Allow
blocked content), Sports Humour
5. Australian Joke
6.
In honour of stupid people
7.
Yorkshire humour
8. School wit
9. Nothing going right? - various contributions
1
IT'S A
FUNNY OLD WORLD
Shopping in Dewsbury, England
Shopping in Lahore, Pakistan
2
SIMPLE
HUMOUR
The
beaver said to the rabbit as they both looked up
at the immense wall of the Hoover Dam, "No, I didn't
actually build it, but it was based on an idea of mine."
I
ordered 42 bottles of Tipp-Ex the other day -
a big mistake.
The police sent me a photo of my car speeding so I
sent them a
picture of my cheque.
A little boy came home from school after
auditioningfor a part in the school play.
"Mum, I got a part. I've been chosen to
sit in the audience and cheer!"
A keyring is a handy little gadget that allows
you to lose all of
your keys at the same time.
"I am easily satisfied with the best" -
Winston Churchill.
3
DOES 'FILLING UP' FEEL LIKE
THIS THESE DAYS?
HOW WAS YOUR JOURNEY TO WORK?
£30 .. £40 .. £50 .. £60 .. £70 .. ! ?
4
CHOCKS
AWAY!
SPORTS HUMOUR
You may
remember The Dam Busters and have
seen
the Red Arrows team. The
chances are you
will not have heard of the Red Sparrows and most
likely you
have not seen their 'aerial display'.
Don't forget to put the sound on! Dambusters' March.
St
James Park, Newcastle is packed with 52,000
spectators
for the big game. One empty seat remains.
"Who is that for Fred?" The wife, Fred clarifies.
"Where is she?". "Dead" replies Fred.
"Couldn't you have brought a friend instead?"
"They couldn't make it," replies Fred,
"They're all at the funeral."
Arthur
is 90 years old. He's played golf every day
since his
retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking
downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My
eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see
where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion:
"Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it a try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and
three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his
eyesight is perfect." So the next day, Arthur heads off to the
golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an
almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.He turns to the
brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur. "Can't remember." he replies.
5
AUSTRALIAN JOKE
A
bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian
coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible
night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there is a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable...
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good
news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news
first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in
the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was
dead.'
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a
bit of a turn. However, after a few minutes he pulls himself
together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a
few really good sized crays and a swag of nice
crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four
or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it is an ill wind and
all that... So what's the other possible good news?'
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young
Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot
over there and pull her up again!'
6
IN HONOUR OF STUPID PEOPLE - Below are
some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom)
--
"Do not turn upside
down."
(well... duh; a bit
late, huh?)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding –
"Product will be hot
after heating."
(...and you thought?)
On most brands of Christmas lights --
"For indoor or outdoor
use only."
(...as opposed to what?)
On a Swedish chainsaw --
"Do not attempt to stop
chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a lot of
this
happening somewhere?)
On a Japanese food processor --
"Not to be used for the
other use."
(Now, somebody out
there, help me on this.
I'm a bit curious.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts
--
"Instructions: Open
packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
On Sainsbury's peanuts –
"Warning: contains
nuts."
(...talk about a news
flash!)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron --
"Do not iron clothes on
body."
(...but wouldn't this save
me time?)
On a child's Superman costume --
"Wearing of this
garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the
company.
I blame the parents for this
one.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid --
"Warning: May cause
drowsiness."
(....and I'm taking this
because?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --
"Do not drive a car or
operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to
reduce the rate of
construction accidents if we
could just get
those 5 year-olds with
head-colds
off those bulldozers!)
7
YORKSHIRE HUMOUR
Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet. Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom ?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a
favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a
jeweller to
remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of
yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer
daft begger!"
Bloke from Barnsley with a sore backside asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
A
Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should
have the words "She were Thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a
few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the
widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and
have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's
been engraved "She were Thin".
He explodes - good grief, man, you've left the flamin' "e" out!
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be
rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go
sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you"..
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, She were
Thin".
8
SCHOOL WIT
(Oh to be so innocent and
quick!)
TEACHER:
Maria, go to the map and find North America . MARIA:
Here it is. TEACHER:
Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS:
Maria!
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you
spell 'crocodile?' GLENN:
K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER:
No, that's wrong GLENN:
Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER:
Winnie, name one important thing we have
today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! TEACHER:
Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on
talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD:
A teacher!
TEACHER:
Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is
exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? CLYDE
: No, sir. It's the same dog. TEACHER:
Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' MILLIE:
... ...I is.. TEACHER: No,
Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE:
All right... 'I am
the ninth letter of the alphabet.' TEACHER:
What is the chemical formula for water? DONALD:
H I J K L M N O. TEACHER:
Donald what are you talking about? DONALD:
Yesterday you said it's H to O. TEACHER:
Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN:
Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are!
9
NOTHING GOING RIGHT?
A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down
in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the little guy
bursts into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand
to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy.
"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my Boss fired me. When
I went to the car park, I found my car stolen and I don't have any
insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed
with the milk man and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up
the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop the capsule in it
and while I sit here watching the poison dissolve, a smart ass like you
shows up and drinks the whole Bl***y thing!"
9+
NOTHING
GOING RIGHT? - HOLIDAYS
"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local
store does not sell proper biscuits
like custard creams
or ginger nuts."
"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I
often needed to buy things during
'siesta' time -
this should be banned."
"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that
almost every restaurant served curry.
I don't like
spicy food at all."
"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had
to bring our swimming costumes and
towels.
"A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole,
who spotted a visibly aroused elephant,
complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his
honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".
A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd
been locked in by staff. When in fact,
she had
mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as
a warning to remain in the room.
"The beach was too sandy."
"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your
brochure shows the sand as yellow but
it was
white."
A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick
and strong. He was inadvertently
slurping the
gravy at the time.
"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a
street trader, only to find out they
were fake."
"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children
were startled."
"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only
took the Americans three hours to get
home."
"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our
friends' three-bedroom apartment and
ours was
significantly smaller."
"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'.
We're trainee hairdressers - will we be
OK staying
here?"
"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The
food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."
"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."
"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or
unruly guests before we travel."
"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."
"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in
a double-bedded room. We now hold you
responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This
would not have happened if you had put us
in the
room that we booked."
"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday
was ruined as my husband spent all day
looking
at other women."
9+
NOTHING'S QUITE RIGHT - BUT IT'S TEMPORARY !!
Go on admit it, you have done something
crazy like this in the past at some time or other as a temporary job!
